I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.