@AndyAsAdjective: Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I'm going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [ad for umbrellas] [cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet] "There must be a better way!" Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
@iGreenMonk: To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for #4
@gruffybeard: Son: The landscapers almost hit me with their truck. Dad: So you're saying they almost... Mom: Don't do it! Dad: ...mowed you down.
@theshamingofjay: Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone. When did you get electricity in your cave?