Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
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Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.