Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
You Might Also Like
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*