Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail