*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.