Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
The real reason evolution started..😂
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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o
o
o
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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
BRO LMFAO