@fro_vo: Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
@GrantTanaka: alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
@msdanifernandez: Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
@ChipKellysBalls: Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
@TheGoodGodAbove: It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
@Rlpihl: u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn't shower? Moses. hi i'm your new youth pastor Keith