Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?