Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
You Might Also Like
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now