DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
This is my pinned tweet
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.