1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
this post was so formative to me
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.