Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Not today
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes