@LostInMyWorld97: Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn't having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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@jngraphs: Wife: Where are you going? Me: Out. I can't stand being hemmed in by four walls. Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
@AndrewChamings: Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there's a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
@SaraMansford: I added broccoli to my kid's Mac n Cheese and now he's sitting in a spinny chair, petting a hairless cat and plotting his revenge.
@Contwixt: My niece asked me what it's like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.