Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The Onion called it…again.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.