Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
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One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
The Book. The Movie.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*