Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
You Might Also Like
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf