*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Yep.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Me trying to walk in a dream
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.