*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
You Might Also Like
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Same pineapple, same
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.