My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn