[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
the dark web is just a goth google.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband