Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.