Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
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If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Just a reminder, folks:
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.