DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.