Doggies just call it style.
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Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
The asteroid..
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
bears
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I can fix him.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.