Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.