“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
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I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
my astrological sign is a french fry
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people