Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.