@DoogieHorner: Dogs are "practice babies" and cats are "practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with."
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@jergarl: My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is "DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR"
@knot_eye: I can't be the only one that sees the day when a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
@ArfMeasures: DATE: What's your favourite movie? ME: Kill Bill DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated ME [long pause] Killiam William