Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭