@DoogieHorner: Dogs are "practice babies" and cats are "practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with."
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@daemonic3: WAITER: Ready to order? ME: First, I'd like to hear the chef's special WAITER: Oh yes he's very special [chef in background sheds a tear]
@murrman5: [family hears me pull in driveway] wife: please don't wrestling announcer: sorry ma'am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
@NoogsCorner: Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it's owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
@gerryhallcomedy: I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.