Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Just parrot things
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.