Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
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me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
There is no “ea” in Tim.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company