Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom