Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
black phone good
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.