Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.