Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
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My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?