Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
You Might Also Like
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Bruh PLEASE
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My biological clock is wheezing.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Jesus Christ lmao
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?