Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Last-minute gift idea!
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
love it when they get my name right