Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
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My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up