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@HomeProbably: Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
@junejuly12: Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn't seem to be working
@qikipedia: I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
@notacroc: [spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
@BillMc7: Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.
@WilliamAder: I didn't sign up for the 401k at work, because there's no way I can run that far.