@HomeProbably: Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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@carlyken: Friend apologizes for mess. Friend has immaculate house. Open her closet. Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.
@RocketRankoon: You've won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you'll be a transgender time traveler.
@OfficialMizGin: Vegetarian: *lists 100 reasons why I shouldn’t eat meat* Me: Counterpoint: bacon.
@ItsDanSheehan: You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we've put up paintings of each stage of his murder