Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Y’all ready for this
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
next level snooze
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If you’re testing me, we failed.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
accurate