@Mr_Kapowski: Dogs that belong to homeless people must think "just say you're sorry dude and we can sleep inside tonight"
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@DistractedMomma: Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are. - Me, to myself, when I'm fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me* Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt? Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: and for your first wish? ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another GENIE: holy shit!
@pro_failure: I've stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,"I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait."