[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
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DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Dear Lord..
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.