[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
You Might Also Like
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.