[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
(Musicians.)
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”