[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
You Might Also Like
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I don’t get marriage
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.