Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
3% human
97% stress
How do you like your Corgi?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*