doing some research
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
everyone has that one prude friend
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”