doing some research
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode