Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does