Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”