Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven鈥檛 picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won鈥檛 stop : )
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 馃槅
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
life finds a way
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 馃槒 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
A man of commitment.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.