Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
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The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.