Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.