@Social_Mime: Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
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@WhatsHerFace33: A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed! Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
@UNTRESOR: Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
@kibblesmith: But if two men get married, they'll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.