Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
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Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do